i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Semen is not good for contacts.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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