I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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