Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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