im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
