i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
