Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
