So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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