Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
