a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
