Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
