apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize