Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
