It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
