i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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