dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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