I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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