Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize