dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
