i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
