oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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