The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize