I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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