I wish I could punch you in the face.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We named our party play list daddy issues
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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