I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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