I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
