You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize