Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
