I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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