Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
