Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dicks are not precious.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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