I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
