I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
