Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
