I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
