Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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