I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
