Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
