At least make sure they are 18
Why
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
