Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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