He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
