They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize