new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
