So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
