I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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