Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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