Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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