She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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