Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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