This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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