I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My ass is underappreciated
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
