I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
