My underwear smells like fireworks.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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