More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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