I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
