george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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