i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
