it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
