You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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