what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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